I started the below article right before the COVID-19 storm engulfed us all. As a result of the disconnected climate that had emerged in recent years, I have to wonder if others were feeling the same way as I was? If so, perhaps God heard us all? Perhaps He felt we all needed a pause button, a ‘come home moment’ if you will. A reminder of what is important, and who is important.
Let’s be honest, we were not only losing our humanity, but our God and our ability to see past our own wants and desires as well. Although it’s hard, because I am on the verge of insanity in this lock-down, I am trying to remind myself daily of the bigger picture. The good that can come out of this dark cloud, if we adhere to the actual lesson being taught. When I remind myself of this, I understand that being ‘still’ can be a gift if I allow it to be. Here is what I had started in the article, months ago, prior to the world shut-down:
“I’m struggling. Not in a tangible sense. As a matter of fact, I’m at a very good time in my life – happy, healthy, striving. Things are good, and yet I’m struggling. The older I get the more introspective I become. I’ve always had a very healthy fear of death, to the point that I sometimes was afraid to live, but now it’s taken on a different feel.
Every day I find myself deeply seeking God. Seeking His affirmation, His guidance, His grace. It’s almost a conflicting emotion. Comforting in one sense, as I feel my faith is growing deeper, unnerving in another as I realize mistakes I’ve made throughout my life that I fear have not put me on a path to Heaven. That thought is terrifying.
I’m feeling an undeniable yearning for a deeper connection to God. One where I stop and think more of others, where I think before I speak, reflect before I act. One where I pray more and assume less.
I’ve seen it with so many people; as they age, they embrace God and religion more… They seek peace through the only One who can truly provide it. I think I’m beginning to realize it’s not just about mortality, there is something about aging that makes you painfully aware of your own faults and shortcomings. The times you put too much emphasis on things that were of little significance become blaring as you look back. The shallow moments, the self-serving ones, and even some cruel moments which at the time were something to laugh at; have now become a source of shame…
Although sobering, these new feelings are oddly comforting. I guess because they show my growth, my sense of wrong and right, and my true repentance versus just words spoken when expected. I’m at a time in my life now of great reflection. I think of God constantly and regret moments throughout my life of poor decisions. I offer my repentance and pray for forgiveness.“
I had stopped the article at that point because I thought I’d never publish it; I felt it may be a bit too personal. I’m sharing now because I’m convinced a lot of you will understand exactly how I feel, and that can be comforting.
As this pandemic continues, I pray for those who have lost their battle with this illness. It appears that once again, the greatest generation is taking the brunt of yet another war. Their sacrifice should not be in vain, as we hopefully will come out of this renewed, reflective and longing for human interaction. The very interaction we had discarded with all that had been created in the digital age.
Finally, as nations come together to fight a common enemy, let’s pray that this is the beginning of a true peace on earth. God bless us all, stay safe, stay humble and stay positive.