Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like two completely different people at times? Every so often I actually find myself conflicted about who the real me might be. Can I be alone in this ‘me versus me’ that I’ve come to accept as my norm? Or is this the human condition, and others are just better at balancing the conflict?
To be clear, its not that I hear bizarre voices in my head (although I do sport a constant inner dialogue with myself) and I certainly don’t go by two different names. Hello Sybil! But that said, I can openly admit that there are two very distinct personalities that at times vie for greater attention within my psyche. I think saying good versus evil would be a bit too dramatic, but I can definitely say that one side of me is working overtime to get me to the pearly gates, while the other side does so kicking and screaming.
That carefree, get a little crazy, say a little too much side just will not easily be subdued. There was a long stretch of time, after having my children, that I can say without hesitation I was completely able to shelve that bolder side. She was nowhere to be found and I was led to believe she was absolutely gone forever. If truth be told though, the strive for goodness, watch your Ps & Qs and do-as-you-should side of me did miss her… even though at the time I’m not so sure I realized she was missing at all.
When my not-so-in-check side did slowly resurface, it was like the sun coming out after a long, rainy stretch. A spark of light, a “hello my old friend, where have you been?” type of moment. When this side made a comeback, I came to realize that although I have to work double time to keep it to a respectable minimum, I do need her. She needs me too and I recognize that its up to me to balance the two elements of who I am in a careful way. Partly so I don’t appear as a walking contradiction to those who really don’t know me well, but mainly because deep down I would love to find complete happiness by just being the upright, level headed and reserved me, but I’ve come to recognize that impossibility. I guess to counter all that is me, I am blessed to be surrounded by people who are full of that inherent goodness and grace at their core, and for that I am grateful. There is a peace to them that truly is beautiful, and to have the honor of their presence keeps me striving to be what they effortlessly are.
I am grateful that my actual tribe, whether it is by friendship or family tie, has had the pleasure (ha) of all of me and takes me as I am, thank God. For those not in my inner circle, I would venture to guess that my occasional conflict in nature leaves them guessing on who I really am at my core, but truth be told, that’s all of me. The good, the bad AND the indifferent; just like the words of the immortal Popeye, “I am who I am.” Flawed and certainly not perfect, but trying.
For the record, I do strive everyday to be a better person; I think most of us do. Its just that sometimes for the sake of comedy or simply because an opinion overwhelms me, I come out with a line or two that takes even me by surprise. My hope is always to be instinctually kind and a God fearing person. My truth is that when ‘she’ comes calling, there are moments of weakness where she just cannot to be ignored…
So in closing, a shout out to those who know this struggle is real and actually understand the conflict. Those who also strain to only hear the angel on their shoulders… Despite what society sometimes appears to be lacking, its comforting to know that most of us are working toward being the best humans we can, while trying to strike a balance with the mere fact that we are human and perfection is impossible.